A cool last summer day

It's have been raining a couple of days. The weather is cool down, and the fall is coming. I enjoy staying in my room in such days, reading book or sleeping. Sometime I am disappionted by this kind of live. I always require myself doing something without stop. The fact that I never have a capablility to achieve a great success makes me hate the ordineary family life. People are often particially aspired by something that they impossible to have. I don't know how to comfort myself, and even can't talk with friends. I have been always struggle in a puzzle since I started to have a sense of alive. I have little joy but too much sorrow. How to explain all the happenning around me.
My grandma passed away a week ago. She was told had a breast cancer two years ago. Unfortunately, the rest of her body is still healthy. She have to suffer the pain and the festers but cannot leave the world in an acceptable or more comfrotable attitude. She was a respectful woman in her whole life, but in the last time of her life, in the landmark of life and death, she lost favor of the heaven. My mom and I, all the relatives of her, couldn't stand the endless suffering of a old, ill grandma. I dare not to watch her extremely skinny body. She might had only fifty pounds in the day of her death. I asked what is the reason of the human's suffering and suspected our future. When my sight caught the strong and full of energy figure of my mom, I wondered if she also would turn as skinny as my grandma twenty years late? I don't want to think anymore.