Saturday, December 09, 2006

Other's home is ice house for me

I am going to have the fianl exam for history class, I must study tonight and all the weekend, but I am hard to concentrate on study.
I feel so depression after came back from my anut's home. I am tring my best to recall how nice she used to treat me, but it doesn't work. Probably I already lost favor form her but I don't know how and when.

Those days, she is so cold. Every moment I am in her home, or is going to go to her home, I feel I am standing in a ice house. Nobody talks. when I enter, she and her son know I come, they have no expression on their face, neither welcome nor refuse.When I leave, they know I leave, but no words. I come her home for dinner. I don't know why I come her home for dinner, I can cook dinner by myself, I like cook. I know how to cook. My parents wish I stay with her family. But who wants to stay with other's home. Other's home is a ice house for me.
Today I tried to say something with her. I talked the Korean TV program which she have been watching lately, I talked about what happened when I worked in school. She replied with very simple words that shows she had not interesting to talk. I had to be silence. When she son in the dinner room, they talked with each other. I could not stand that. I don't if many people can tolerate that or only a few can.
My husband wish me tolerate everything. I wish I can do that also. But I really feel so sad in my heart. I just want to cry. Recently, every night I leave her hoom and come back to my room, I just want to cry. They don't need me, but they don't say "Please leave!" My aunt does many things for me, but she never wants I do something for her. I wish I can repay her. If I can, I would do whatever to repay her. But she simply doesn't need. She speaks to me with her attitude but not words, " I don't want anything from you, I completely don't need." I will owe her forever. I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's not a pleasure feeling. Everybody knows she does many things for me, but I feel her doesn't like me. At last, recently she doesn't. I trust my feeling. I wonder why somebody do that things. If I don' like anybody, I won't do anything for him/her. Probably she feels that is her duty, or she just wants to be god.
How can I complain when I stay in her house, eat dinner in her table?
I don't know when is the end. Or I expect the siuation turns better.


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