Friday, September 20, 2013

Faith to Win

No difference from all the phenomena in the universe, the essence of human life is trivial, random, and complicated.  Even worse, as sentient creatures, human beings are not only unable to completely get ride of pessimistic emotions, but overwhelmed by them at times. We lament that happy time is always short but sorrow is lasting, frustration is pervasive and desperation is profound. Despite the unfavorable fact, only a very few surrender voluntarily, the majority choose to fight for a satisfying life. Since desires and satisfying goals are varying, human faith to win develops unevenly weak or strong. A life goal of seeking randomly secular joy would be unlikely to enhance faith, but determinedly to achieve extraordinary accomplishment must strengthen one’s faith. In turn, a growing faith will adjust people’s desires and assist them to find out their real interest and ultimate life satisfaction.  

I sensed this gloomy nature of human life when I was very young. I also conceived my faith to achieve great in the early age of life. Having a good job or a good family was not an option; they were too ordinary. I told myself, I would rather to die if I didn’t have any achievement to prove that I was worthy to live. I would never reach the state of happiness and peace if I didn’t accomplish a unique success. During my youth, I constantly suffered by the question how I should transcend ordinary.

When I thoughtfully examined myself, I found, sadly but unsurprisingly, I had no superior character and ability that were in favor of achieving great. I am not richer than my neighbors, not more beautiful than my friends, nor smarter than my cousins. Even though I was willing to bear hardship and loneness and exhausted my imagination to try anything, I achieved nothing unusual. I discovered that I would never able to go beyond average.

I don’t know whether others have the same aspiration or how they work on it. I found nobody to ask or discuss or to share my agony. I could not fall into sleep during midnight, but drowned myself into the ocean of bitterness. Despite the chilly reality, I did not give up because giving up was not a way to go. Fortunately, my faith did not cease but remained strong. Until now, I still do not have a clear idea why I never question about my faith. Perhaps, I understood if I lost faith, I would forever drop out of a promising life. If I had nothing, at least I have faith.  

I strove for a solution. I was fully aware of my ability and limitation. If life is a sprint, I don’t have the speed and excellence to win. However, since life in fact is more like a marathon, I felt I was granted a right to try. Faith provides me amazing power of endurance and perseverance; it makes ordinary people extraordinary.

I was not born from an elite background, but my family did influence me intellectively.  I have cultivated the hobbies of reading and writing. Perhaps, excessively attached by great figures’ stories rather than melting into the people around became a critical factor shaping my faith to dream big. While I seemed to encounter an unresolvable conflict between what I wanted to do and what I could do, I gradually believed striving to be a great writer would be my only chance of success.

I started to work as a true writer. I wrote down everything I encountered, experienced, felt, imaged, and dreamed. I wrote stories about my family, friends, classmates, and anyone if I got to know by chance.  I wrote about historical figures as well as social events in the present. I wrote on computer and on notebooks, in noon and in midnight. I felt a super joy when I was occupied by writing. I appreciate the moments when struggling to compose; life was no longer a puzzle but full of meaning.    

I produced a large amount of essays within a short period. I am glad about this but clearly understood quantity meant nothing. If I expected to be great, my work must be great. However, writing much was a relatively easy task while you work hard enough, but writing well was not achievable by everyone. Many times when I showed my writings to others, they smiled and complimented. However, the true message beneath the polite reactions was not difficult to be detected. I, again, got caught up in a predicament. Otherwise, I was still young at that time and refused to confess that I was just short of the gift to be a great writer. I tried to find out somebody to ask what my fate would be, but eventually realized there was nobody to consult. If there was really somebody, the person must be myself.

Seem as the last chance to satisfy my life goal was in doubt. I did not know what I could harvest if I go on, but knew definitely that if I gave up I would harvest nothing. I choice was to continue in writing. I put all my passion on the only life-long project but ignored many things that have been treasured by others. I did not strive to get rich, nor pay attention to maintain young and pretty. I did not build up a family, nor indulged myself by material comfort. With many years, I published a few articles on local newspapers and got a self-paid book published. Articles were constantly forgotten. Books were still stored in a garage except a few copies had been gifted to relatives and friends. Regardless how I was longing for, reality had no mercy and I would forever be an ordinary writer.   

Human life is indeed random; no one can determine what you would achieve regardless how great your aspiration is. However, we can at least decide whether we would fight for it or not. By doing that, defeat is still uncontrollable, but the chance to live in a tragedy life would remarkably reduce. One may lament that young age aspiration is so great but the achievement for many years struggle is so little. However, if you witness somebody who never try and receive nothing in his or her entire life, you will appreciate the little---it is not only not easy to obtain, but also very special to possess. Distinctions do exist between have or do not have the little. An ordinary person is unable to create a great desert, but if he or she even makes a sand, the sand contains all the substances of a desert and reflects all the colors of the world.

Now, I have already passed my prime. Time washed away my ambition, but never faith. Only the faith to win now is not the same as it in many years ago. I still write, for joy rather than for accomplishment. I show my writings to others less often and gradually lose the interest to get them to be published. I like to write in a sunny afternoon in a tranquil room with a peaceful mind. Those moments provide me a great joy in silence. Holding on that, I am satisfied, pleasured, and longing for nothing more.