Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Latvian religion

All the results the midterm exams are informed. Except getting a low grade, 69, on the Anthropology 101, all the rest four courses are fine. I got an A- on the Japanese history, an A+ on the Linguistic 101, 92 on the Oriental Study, 86 on the Anthropology 102. I regretted what I did on the Anthropology 101; however, regardless how sad I am, the result can never be changed. The time cannot go back.

When I went the Anthropology 101 class again this afternoon, I was scared, and felt I am the most stupid person in the class. When the professor remained us that tomorrow was the last day for PNC, pass with no credit, and unevaluated withdrawal, I wondered that he implied someone, for example, me, who had a poor grade should think about this option. I knew I am too sensitive. Anyway, I didn’t feel too bad, but only a very light unhappy.

I was working on the group project this afternoon. The topic is about Latvia immigrants, and I was assigned a part as religion. I tried my best to focus on Latvia, immigrant, and religion. Woo, it’s difficult to work on an unfamiliar field. I spent five hour to write a page. Most important, it is a drift only, how many hours will cost for complete it?

After all, I still enjoy college life, enjoy the hardship. It remains me that my life is not entirely empty.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Everyone has to face the loss

I only got 69 on my Anthropology midterm exam, but I am not too depressed now. It is not because this score is tolerable. In fact, it is a disaster that ruins my dream and future. My GPA will drop several points due to this course. How can I plan the master degree if I have a low academic record? However, through those several days, I was overcome by the terrible result. I was too sad and then want to change. I forced myself to accept the fact. Do something rational. I am not going to die tomorrow; the earth is going to run tomorrow as well. So, I have to cheer up, forgetting any miserable past and try the best to do anything benefit the future.

I got 98 on the linguistic course, A- on the history course, A on the history paper. However, all of them cannot provide me a good mood, I feel bad for the one bad grade.

Same as somebody’s attitude toward life, they have gotten many things, but if one thing they are not satisfied, they feel all the world is meaningless.

How foolish human being is!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Around by spring sky, breeze, birds sing, and pink peach blossoms

I am keeping revising the fourth paper, compare Mencius and Xunzi, for the Oriental Study course. It’s a really bitter task. Especially tonight, I spent half hour for compose several sentences; spent several hours for finish a paragraph. Moreover, I have to worry about the very limited time. I have other four courses need to deal with, and none of them are easy. Right now, I deeply understand all the college courses are not easy.

April 5th is a traditional Chinese holiday for offering a sacrifice in front of the ancestors’ graves. According to the customs, a few days before this day, the oldest person in a family brings all the family members to sweep their ancestors’ tombs. However, it’s usually not a miserable moment. The time is during the early spring; many flowers are blooming. It is really a good chance to leave the cities and go to countryside to see, smell, and touch the spring.

My mother’s mother died a year ago, but my father’s mother died eighteen years ago. My mother’s father died six years ago. My dearest father’s father, until this April 30th, he passed away eleven years. I never forget the date and always miss him in my mind. I miss all grandparents. I dreamed them a few days ago. I wish I can settle in the dream and not return to the reality. The reality of mine is full of tests and pressure; I am unable to enjoy it very much. When I think about the day of the end of my life, there is not completely sadness. Some sweet taste is mixed into my emotion because I am yearning for seeing my grandparents again.

This weekend, my husband and my parents went back to my hometown to sweep my four grandparents’ tombs. I doubted how long they stood before the tombs. When I called my husband, he was playing Chinese chess with somebody in the park. Many my father’s friends were here. They were speaking, laughing, and enjoying the nice spring day.

It’s a strange feeling that I am in a foreign country, but my husband is in my hometown, staying with my relatives and friends. There is not his hometown. He knows nobody except all my side relatives and my parents’ friends here. However, all of the people treat my husband very nice. I think probably they like me, so they treat him nice. While they were relaxed, around by spring sky, breeze, birds sing, and pink peach blossoms, I was writing a paper about the very old East Asian religion; I was alone in my small room in the midnight. It’s certainly a contrast.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Happiness is less attractive.

I am a person who has many good qualities. However, accompany with them, much weakness exists in my personality, and I unable find out a solution alone.

I am rare late, so I don’t forgive somebody coming late.
I am careful about my words, so I hate somebody lie.
I study hard, so I look down somebody waste their time and life.
I enjoy living in a simple live, so I detest somebody busy to pursue a material comfort.
I love literature and art, so I don’t believe somebody who doesn’t know them are not well cultivated people.
I often have some keen thought, so I usually ignore, or sometime tease, others’ opinions.
I pay an especially attention to prevent to hurt others’ feeling, so I very difficult to get over if I am hurt.
When I stay together with people, I always concern about how to take care of others, so I rather like to stay alone.
I hold a serious attitude toward life, so I detest somebody who desert their lives.

I believe I have many good qualities, so I rarely study from others, rarely ask help from friends, and have relatively less communication with others.
I have realized my problems long time ago, but I am unable to change my personality.

I admire people who have some weakness. If people themselves have some weakness, they tend to easier understand and forgive other people. They mind is broad rather than bother about some very tiny things.

I ask my husband practice English writing everyday. But he fails to do that. He claims that he studies all the times, but all the evidence I have found is against his statement. I am tried to require others to do something, even though the person is the closest one in your life.

I cannot blame him because I understand this is his natural tendency. Asking a common person do something against his natural tendency is an extremely difficult thing in the world. He is a common person. He enjoys it and never feels there is something wrong. There is nothing wrong, of course.

In contrast with him, I have been expecting to be an unusual one since I was a kid. I didn’t perceive the world form the reality as the most people, but all my thoughts are coming from ancient Chinese philosophies and classical literatures. From them, I have tasted enough sorrow of life when I was a teenager. I could not sleep at night in my early twenty’s; I struggled in my mind for the passing time, and urged to do something real. After I lost this hope several years ago, I feel only a peaceful mind is the true aim what I want.

Happiness is less attractive.

Beautiful clothing and make up make no sense to me.

I insist on that if a person has more material desires, his spirit is more limited. Since nobody agrees with my idea, I have modified it later. If someone considers material supplies are not important, the only reason is because he or she is enjoying enough of them.

I got an A+ on the midterm exams of Lingutistic 101

I got 98 points on the mid-term exam of the linguistic 101 course. This score was neither cheers me up nor disappointed me. I felt I understood all the stuff that the professor talked in the class. I carefully prepared all the possible points before the exam, and I expected a full score. Anyway, it’s not bad.

However, the second half of this course turns difficult. The topic will focus on phonetics and phonology. This is the weakest part of my English. Nevertheless, through learning the knowledge of phonetics, I expect my English speaking skill can be improving.

I got an A on the first paper of my Japanese history course. I put it on my table several days but don’t want to put it into a fold. Every morning when I take a look at it, I seem to get some energy to support me going on with my study. I believe if this paper is graded by the professor who teaches my Oriental Study, doubtless, a B- or C+ will be given on the same paper. This is the reason that I always lack of confidence of these good grades I have gained. I rather like to believe that is just because I am so lucky to meet some nice professors.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I didn't do well on the exam of Anthropology 101

I finished the mid-term exam of Anthropology 101 this afternoon. I didn’t do well on it. I failed to answer two short answer questions and was not sure about a few multiple choice questions. I guess I can get around 75 points. I am so disappointed by what I have done on the exam. I know I have to forget it, but just learn some experience from it and do better on the final exam. Nobody can always have a good fortune. When I talked my problem with my co-workers while I was working, they using these words comforted me as well. However, I still feel so bad. I think maybe I need taking a few minutes thinking nothing, and then I can get over.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Have a daydream at night

I finished the midterm exam of the Oriental Study course. I feel it is good, but I don’t how the professor thinks about my answer. There are two other exams at next Monday and Tuesday. I don’t have time to take a break.

The exam on Monday is for the Culture Anthropology course. This is the most difficult one of all my courses. There is no teacher’s note available; I don’t understand some required articles well; above all, there are only maximum two and half days before the exam. I have to leave half day to study the other less difficult exam. Because it is easy, I wish I can get an A+ on it. So I still need to pay a special attention on it.

Yesterday I met an old classmate of mine. When we talked about the exams, she said that she was taking seven courses this semester, but she didn’t have as much exams as I had. Probably I am unlucky this time. The midterm season was as a final exam season for me.

I am thinking about what courses I am going to take next semester. It’s really not easy to make a decision. The problem is due to my history major. I have to take around four heavy reading courses every semester. Obviously, it should not be easy for an ESL student.

I have chosen the difficult way for my own sake. I even dream to pursue a master or a Ph.D degree in the history major. Compare to achieve my ambitions, find a good job or have a comfort life are meaningless. I ignore all the utility goals. Never want to major in the library science or accounting.

Getting a master or Ph.D degree is still meaningless. Only because they are almost impossible to me to reach, I urge to do that.

Sometimes, I feel I am going to entire a vast desert alone and dream to cross it one day. I may die on the half way and lost all my efforts completely. However, I can never persuade myself to give up. How can I image, living a permanent house in a crowded city, working with valueless paper work many years, and earning plenty of foods and drink on the kitchen table. I doubt one day I will turn to be a pig, though there is no difference between the human and the pig.

Since there is not difference between the human and the pig, there is entirely boring in human life, why don’t I do something challenging? Let me died on the half way, I expect it, although I have been in the richest country in the world, where many people dream to come. They dream to come to produce offspring here and consider that is their ultimate success.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Preparing for the exam of Asian religion

I finished the middle term exam of the Japanese history. Since one week before the exam, the professor finally gave the review list to us, I have prepared all the possible questions. When I went to the exam, I just sat down and wrote all the materials what I knew. I am unable to figure out my grade because it is really depends on the professor’s standard.

During the exam, I saw somebody cheating. One deliberately dropped a paper, and the other next to him picked it up. When I was in China, I knew that almost all the students cheated on exams. Probably, cheating is a universal phenomenon; it happens wherever and whenever in the human society. However, I don’t like cheating. The reason is not because I am good, but only because I am weak. I am not brave enough to do that. So, if the school strictly forbids everyone to do that, I will feel much better.

I am luck living a society where are some laws to claim that everybody is equal. Then, the strong one could not attract the weak one for no reason or for some reasons even if they have the abilities.

Tonight and tomorrow I am going to study the Asian Religion middle exam. The exam will take place on Thursday afternoon. I have calculated that I am going to have around ten hours to study for it. The content of the exam is about Chinese earliest dynasty, Shang. The Shang kings believe that they can contact with heaven and their ancestors; thus, they do the divination all days. Also the exam will include three large Chinese philosophy schools such as Confucianism, Daoism, and Mozi. All of them were developed during the Warring States period (475 BC-221BC). That period, as it name, is chaos in the society; people’s lives are extremely uncertain. In spite of that, it is a golden age of Chinese philosophy.

I have a huge interest about the philosophies in this period. I will discuss them later.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The exam of the Japanese history is on tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to take the Japanese history exam. I have arranged all the possible answers. The job I have to do right now is to memorize some terms and some chief figures’ names and spelling.

Japanese history is very interesting. The clue of it is no too complicate. The Sun Goddess, Amaterasu, is the chief deity of Shinto. She is considered the ancestess of the Japanese royal family. In the 2nd century AD, according to Chinese history records, the empress Pimitois was ruling Japan. She is probably a shaman, because she has many mysterious charactistics. Few people see her. Her brother is her political advisor and communicator. For this reason, somebody doubts the Sun Goddess Amaterasu and she is one.

For me, the most exicting period is Heian, same time period with Chinese Tang dynasty. Influenced by Tang, Heian becomes the golden age of literature and art in Japan. The Tale of Genji is so famous and beautiful. It’s pity that I don’t have enough time to read it slowly. I am sure I will reread it when one day my step can slow down. It is a priceless treasure for everybody in the world free to access. The only difficult is you have to have the desire.

Fujuwara is the powerful family that dominated Japan during Heian period more than three hundred years. The founder is Nakatomi. They make intermarriages with imperial family. During this period, many Japanese emperors have Fujuwara mothers or wives. However, in the middle of the 11th century, they failed to control emperor Go-Sanjo. After that, the family is gradually declined.

The first Shogun in Japanese history is Minamoto. He creates a period that called Kamakura. Shogunnate system keeps working until 1868.


Wooo, two much stuffs need to memorize. In spite of that, I still love studying. This is the prime time of my life. I wish time could stop at this moment. At least, don’t go too fast.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

A good writer always spends many hours for a paper

My husband doesn’t write his own blog, but he is crazy about to introduce my blog to his friends. Since I always talk about my study in my blog, his friends believe that I am a model of a good student. I don’t really like to be a model in positive. Being a good person is so boring. Since from a philosophical view, there is no a certain standard to measure what is good or what is wrong; thus, being a good one is equal as being an evil one. Despite understanding this universal principle, I still dare not to do too many evil things. I am afraid that the same weight of punishment will come back within this life. Otherwise, I will do something as evil as I could. For example, kill the person who lent my pencil but didn’t return when we were the classmates in the elementary school.

When I was working the library this morning, I told one of my co-workers, Mary, that yesterday I spent around seven hours to write a three-page page. I asked her how long she usually spends. Mary is a native speaker, and she has had her first master degree and on her way to gain the second one. She said seven hours was in an average level. She usually spends many hours for a paper as well. She told me, “A good writer always keeps revising over and over.” Since Joseph told me that he used less two hours to finish a three-page paper, I have felt so bad for myself. However, when I heard what Mary said today, I feel much better now. When I told Mary someone can finish a several page paper within two hours. She replied, “I can do it also if only for free writing. You expect quality, but not quantity, don’t you?” I think her opinion is reasonable.

I have a very few American friends, actually, only Joseph. Always he releases some idea about how American is to me. I think I may need to expand my friend circle and make some knowledgeable friends in college. If I do that, I will learn more helpful experience from them.

I am always too passively to make new friends. Also, the very busy college studying schedule is another important reason that limits me making new friends. I knew I am a selfish person. If I make some friends, but they always need me spending time to stay with them or offer help, I really hesitate to do that. I don’t mind to help other; in fact, everybody likes to help other that is a good chance to show you are a valuable person. However, I just cannot stand to waste time for useless issues.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I feel I write in Englsih faster than before.

The third paper cost me seven hours to finish the drift. It was finished as exactly three pages. For each new paper, I spend less hours on. I expect one day I can write as fast as native English speakers. Also, I dream I could to be an English writer one day. This idea is ridiculous, but I insist on working on it, nobody will force me give up. I believe myself is an excellent Chinese writer although few people agree with me.

I got a B- from the first paper of the Oriental Study. For that paper, I paid ten dollars to Joseph for checking grammar. I only asked he to do this part, I took care of the content by myself. I must to do like this way, otherwise, that was cheating. When I told Joseph I got a B-, he responded immediately, “I only did your grammar.” Of course I understood, and I was never trying to blame him. Although, it was really not an expected grade. In fact, in the professor’s comment, he didn’t criticize my grammar, but said there are too much unaccurate statements in the paper.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Have a fine cloth

I am going to get the U.S. citizenship a few days later. According to Chinese government, double citizenship is not permitted, which means I have to give up Chinese citizenship as soon as I get a foreign citizenship. My friend said, I must very brave to do that. Since she is a Japanese, one shares the similar cultural background with me, I agree with her, it is really a big issue that abandons one's native country.

Indeed, for us, native country is our blood and flesh, how can I cut it off. The day when I cut it off, my physical body is still alive, but my spirit is going to die. Ironically, during the whole process of the nationalization, I never hesitate to do that. Moreover, I pretend that I have no caution about that, as all the Chinese around me have done.

For those Chinese who are living in the America, few of them are not proud that they are in America; for Chinese who are living in China, it is safely to make assumption that more that half of them would come to America immediately if American welcome they free to come.

We come here is not because we love this country, neither so-call pursuing freedom. We have only one ugly goal, making money. It’s so ugly. I believe it is the ugliest thing in the world that abandons self-respect in order to get some cheap benefit.

It’s very painful and shame when I am thinking about that. It is indeed shame regardless how many or how many explanations we could make. Thus, I always avoid thinking.

In ChengDu, the capital city of one of the biggest provinces in China, Sichuan, the average month wage of common workers is two hundred dollars. In my home town, a smaller city, the average month wage is as low as thirty to fifty dollars.

Too poor to care about it is shame or not. Too poor to resist doing anything to change it. In China, when a common young woman wants a fine cloth, she has to spend half of her month wage. I cannot deny that there are many cheap clothes in Chinese markets, but I cannot blame that a young woman wants a fine one. Probably that is also why I feel shame but I still don’t want to blame myself.

I understood that my friend was never trying to hurt me, I feel bad only because she remained me the dark post in my heart. I have had too heavy Chinese traditional influence. Without it, or when it is carefully hided, being a U.S. citizen is entirely a good new for me and my family.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Passed the interview of the citizenship!

I passed the interview of the U.S. citizenship yesterday. At the end of this month, I am going to take an oath, and then finishing the whole process of naturalization. For taking the interview, I waited around five hours from 11 to 4 and missed two classes. Professor Shuku would discuss Zhuangzi, my favorite Chinese philosopher, in yesterday’s class. I was looking forward to learning to it for a long time. It’s so pity that I missed it.

I told my aunt that I pass the interview. Her response was as “It is easy.” and no more other words. I wondered why she didn’t say, “I am glad to hear that, or I feel happy about you.” if she said that, I would feel much better in the family. I called my father at night. He said he could not sleep last night because he was worry about this issue. While I told him the good new, he was relieved and very delighted. He said he would call my mother for the good new. I guessed that he probably was not only going to call my mother, but also all the relatives and friends.