Saturday, December 30, 2006

Reading Chinese novels

I went to a shopping mall at Long Island today with my aunt. Essentially, I don’t want to buy any clothes. I won’t work in the winter, so I don’t want to spend any unnecessary expense. I suggest going out for the goal to spend some time with her together.. If someone spend time to do the same thing with you, probably that means they hold a positive opinion to what you do. This is especially important to someone who has the low self-esteem, for example, my aunt. I can figure out she is happy about that. She spoke a lot on the way. In the shopping mall, she selected some clothes to me. Even though I didn’t agree with her view, I appreciate her concern.

I am reading a Chinese novel those days. It’s great, and I love it so much. It makes my laugh at every several sentences. However, it is certainly not a funny book but indeed have a serious thought of human life. The thought which hide behind the words will make you cry if you are not strong enough. The world is so odd and ugly; we can do nothing but laugh on face and cry in the heart. I wish to share my feeling with my husband, but, sadly, he totally doesn’t understand the author’s humor. He tightly follows the instruction from the government, books, tradition, and so on to do anything. He doesn’t know what independent and free thought is. It’s no surprise that he thinks the author is crazy. I agree with him at this point. But I believe the crazy thought of the author’s is a strong force to oppose the ugly reality, I admire it. But my husband believes crazy itself is ugly. I don’t expect anybody can understand me in the world.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The first week in the winter break

This week, I am studying English grammar with Xiyong in the college library. He is a Chinese, and English is his second language as well. Although he tell me that he knows grammar well, while we study together, sometimes he cannot explain some grammar points which I am confused. He is not a native speaker after all. I wish I can meet a native speaker teaching me. But Xiyong said,"It's not too difficult if you want to pay." But the issue is I don't want to pay. Studying language is not a fast process and couldn't finish during a night. Pay for a couple of hours for a tutor is ineffectively, but I cannot offer a tutor during a long period.
We write short essaies and make sentences and exchange to check for each other. It's helpful. We can find out some mistakes even though not all of them. I am appreciate him studying together with me. Studying grammar is a so boring thing. If I study alone, I will fall in sleep within twenty minutes.
Xiyong will go to week from next week, I have to study alone. I will read my history books at that time.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas Eve

I went to Manhattan with three friends in the Christmas Eve. We had a wonderful dinner in an elaborate restaurant, and then visited the famous Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. We took a lot pictures. Sadly, on most pictures, I became red eyes.

In the first week of my winter holiday, I am busy to meet friends. I wish I can have a regular live and start to spend more time on English studying from the second week. I am hesitating if go to work long time and finally decide to stay home. Thus, I really should not waste time. I plan to read two Japanese history books and two Europeans history books, and write an around five page paper. It’s not easy because it’s not assignment. Without pressure, I worry if I finish it. Anyway, I will try my best.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

An exciting holiday!

All the exams are over. I still need work tonight and tomorrow morning; and then my winter holiday will start. I brought some books about Japanese history and European history from college library. I take those two courses next semester and want to do something for preparation. Jophse take the Japanese history course also. When I asked if he plans to read some books about this field, he responsed like this, "No, I want to make a girl friend." He is only ninteen, but his requirment of a gf is like a Asian gril, younger than thirty, not ugly. Becuase he helped my English paper, I really want to do something to repay him. I wish to introduce a girl to him, but I know few good girls. Beside, he has the capable to make friends. We have a plan to go out eat together with Susan, he and me after fianl exmas, probably I can pay money for the meal. I like Susan also, and she has given me a big package of batteries. I should do something for her too.
Many friends need to meet; many books are waiting to read. I love to work on my blogs as well. I also want to spend sometime with my aunt, perhaps watching TV with her. This is a way to improve relationship between us.
My aunt may feel lonely sometims although she never complain. She always prepend that she doesn't care if anybody concern her or not. However, this is an universal law that everybody needs other's care. She just dare not to require. When she speaks, she usually looks at her son rather than me becuase she has the confidence that her son would absolutely do nothing to reject her. But she doesn't have such confidence toward me. I feel sad about that. When I realized they are mother and son, the emotion of them is nature, I feel I have no reason to feel uncomfortable when I stay along with them. In fact, I am not a real family number of them and I never can be. Understanding this, I feel relief. I am starting to neglect negative somethings. If I don't pay attention to them, part of them, altought not all, could not exist in my life.

I also try to find some way to improve my English writing skill. How can I do that?
There is a telephone card, costing $13 and you can make international phone call unlimited withing 30 days. I will buy one tomorrow, and call my friends to my heart's corcent.

An exciting hoilday is beginning!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Passed CPE

I finished the exam of Anthropogy this afternoon. I feel it is ok, but I cannot figure out how the fianl grade would be. I got a B+ on my history course. It's not a surprise although I don't satisfy about that. Anyway, it is not too bad.
I passed CPE also, the score is 45. The full score is 72, and the pass score is 34. So, it is also not bad. Because I have confidence that I can pass, I am not too excited by the result.
I met Xiyong this afternoon. We talked about how to spend this winter. He said he definitely will work. He has the experience working in restaurants. For him, finding a job in restaurants is not difficult at all. The average salary is around $2400. He encouraged me to work in a restaurant also, but I am hesitant. I know for many people, money is the most certain thing that they can have.
But I'd like to slow down and enjoy life if I have more than minimum money to survival. Probably I'm too lazy.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Winter course

Yesterday was the last day of the Fall 06 semester, and next Thursday will be the last day of the exam week. The winter break is approaching. There are 37 days free for me. I have beening thinking about what do I do. If I go to work, I may earn around a thouhand dollars. It's good to have those money. If I choose to stay home, I can spend time to sleep late, read Chinese novels, go to library to watch moives, or join some programs. It is also a good way of live. These was third choice, taking winter course, but I dismissed it. Taking winter course is a risk. One of my friends siad that there is 80% students failed in the winter course.

The exam of history class is over

I finished the final exam of my history class. I didn't do it well becuase some questions were unexpected. I have some ideas about Chinese history, but many of them are different from my professor's view. For example, about Yuan and Ming dynasties, I believe all the Chinese agree that Ming was much important and successful dynasty in Chinese history than Yuan. In contrast, most foreighers have a lot of acknowledge about Yuan but know little about Ming. We had eight classes in this section to talk about Yuan and Ming dynasties. My professor used six times to talk about Yuan. In the exam, he asked about Dalai Lama, Chencheng. I don't know how is the connection between Yuan and Ming and those figures. I lost hope about this course. If I can get a B in this course, I will feel happy.
I am preparing the final exam of Anthropology now. The exam will take place on next Monday. I got an experiece of this class from the pervious exams. I felt I understood those materials, but I could get all the correct answers during exams. Probably I cannot really understand it becuase my English ability. About the language problem, I can only sigh. Some courses I clearly know what points I need to spend time on, but for this one, I feel I don't know how to study.
Yesterday I watched a movie on my new SONY computer. This is my first time useing it to watch a movie. Becuase everybody said SONY computer is good at entertainment, so I want to try how is the effective. I rarely watch movie. When I was young, my family and teachers didn't allow me to watch many moives and implied me that watching TV or movie is a way to waste time; a good man should spend time on studying or reading books. You see, this is how different from the America culture. In America, everybody loves movie. I will cultivate myself increasing the interest of moive. I like history, but I also have an interest to know how is the lives of my contemporaries.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I plan to cook a fish tonight

I decided to buy a fish and cook tonight. I encourage myself to do additional things to make my aunt happy. I imagine what my father would do if he were in my position. If I was in a displeasure situation, that only means I am poor with the capability to handle difficult situation. I could not complain in any way, but do something to improve it. I always want to scape when bad thing happen, this time I cannot scape but only brave face it. Anyway, my aunt is not a evil person at all. I guess she is only unhappy the tense relationship between my cousin and me. Probably she wishs I make a concession to my cousin, for the reason that he isyounger that me, She has helped me lots. It's not fair that ask me accept those for those reasons. I don't want accept those ugly fact, I wish others treat me fair because I don't want treat other bad. If I often get unfair treatment, I cannot keep to be a good person anymore. I am looking forward to any good things happen to cheer me up.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Help from friends

Joseph is a my friend's friend. One day I met him on MSN, he told me if I need somebody to check my English paper, he can help me. I asked why he wants to do that. He replyed that he doesn't want to see people suffering. My cousin gave me a really hard time those days, but I heard a stranger said that words. In fact, I like family more than friends, When I have problem, I always think about family members. But I am no longer want to ask any help from my cousin. For the English final paper, I have asked my cousin, my writing tutor, my reading tutor. Yesterday I went to see my reading tutor for the last past of my paper, she was not here. I cannot hand in my paper without grammar check. I exhaustively search in my mind for any one I know who are nature English speaker and he or she is possible to offer help. For me, it is an impossbile thing to eliminate grammar mistakes in a seven page paper regradless how much time I take, but for a nature English speaker, it is a twenty minutes easy task to do a basic cheak. I just don't understand what is worth my cousin gave me the hard time.
My choice is very limited. Final, I asked Joseph. He saied he could help me in person in this Saturday. After he corrected my paper this afternoon, this paper is done and I don't need to worry it anymore.

Other's home is ice house for me

I am going to have the fianl exam for history class, I must study tonight and all the weekend, but I am hard to concentrate on study.
I feel so depression after came back from my anut's home. I am tring my best to recall how nice she used to treat me, but it doesn't work. Probably I already lost favor form her but I don't know how and when.

Those days, she is so cold. Every moment I am in her home, or is going to go to her home, I feel I am standing in a ice house. Nobody talks. when I enter, she and her son know I come, they have no expression on their face, neither welcome nor refuse.When I leave, they know I leave, but no words. I come her home for dinner. I don't know why I come her home for dinner, I can cook dinner by myself, I like cook. I know how to cook. My parents wish I stay with her family. But who wants to stay with other's home. Other's home is a ice house for me.
Today I tried to say something with her. I talked the Korean TV program which she have been watching lately, I talked about what happened when I worked in school. She replied with very simple words that shows she had not interesting to talk. I had to be silence. When she son in the dinner room, they talked with each other. I could not stand that. I don't if many people can tolerate that or only a few can.
My husband wish me tolerate everything. I wish I can do that also. But I really feel so sad in my heart. I just want to cry. Recently, every night I leave her hoom and come back to my room, I just want to cry. They don't need me, but they don't say "Please leave!" My aunt does many things for me, but she never wants I do something for her. I wish I can repay her. If I can, I would do whatever to repay her. But she simply doesn't need. She speaks to me with her attitude but not words, " I don't want anything from you, I completely don't need." I will owe her forever. I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's not a pleasure feeling. Everybody knows she does many things for me, but I feel her doesn't like me. At last, recently she doesn't. I trust my feeling. I wonder why somebody do that things. If I don' like anybody, I won't do anything for him/her. Probably she feels that is her duty, or she just wants to be god.
How can I complain when I stay in her house, eat dinner in her table?
I don't know when is the end. Or I expect the siuation turns better.

Friday, December 08, 2006

English 110 is over

This morning, I finished my last English class. And after I summit my final paper, all my job about this course well be done. A college writing course sould be difficult for ESL students and quiet a few friends of mine said they failed it. But my class is not difficult at all. The professor didn't requir much, probably only minim requirment. For me, it is good becuase I am not good at English and I have to focus on how to pass courses and get scores as high as possible. However, if I were an American student and were one who really wants to learn English writing, I would not take this kind of classes. I care about the chance studying in college, and I wish learn as more as I can.
A few days ago I went to a supermarket nearby my home where I used to work. While I was talking with my ex-coworkers, they were all interested about college life, a young girl interrupted in. I didn't know her before. She probably is a new arrival. She wants to go to college so much. In spite of that I am a strange for her, she talked with me and asked for help a lot. I am truly understad what her helpless feeling becuase it is a bitter experience which I have tastied. This morning she came to our college to meet me. I brought her to the Adimission center and explained something about the college. She is only a teenager, as soon as she enrolls college, she will understand everything very soon. Good future.

Monday, December 04, 2006

My new website

I have linked my blog to my new website. This summer when I was in China, I found that I couldn't open my blog here, so I signed another one on Sina is the most popular website in China. A few days ago, When my husband tried to open my website, he told me he successfully opened my old blog also. It's good that he can read my English blog now. I like writing blog on more on The system is better. I can edit, delete my blogs on blogspot, but on sina blog I cannot do that. Even though I find some mistakes, I can only leave them here forever. Also, Sina porbids I publish long blog, or probably anything they dislike. When I spead one or two hours to read a piece of blog but cannot put on my blog, I feel disappointed.
I work for my website to fulfill my computer course requirment. But now, I feel fun to work on it. It's pity that I cannot keep my website after end of this computer course. I wish I can find a place where I can build a website that belong to me longer.
This is my website,